You think you got problems returning a lamp? Check out this fellow:

Friday. There was another bump at the door. I opened it to see an auburn haired fellow, with a notepad in hand. “Mr. Sherman?” he asked.
“Yes, it’s still me.” I replied.
“I have to ask, Sir, especially in my line of work, you understand?”
“Get on with it, man.”
“I have a delivery for you, sir. They are in the van.”
“THEY?”
“Your clones, sir.”
“What the VOUG are you talking about? I did not order any more clones, you lint licker!”
“Au contraire, mon ami, but this paperwork says differently. Order was notarized in BAYPAL by one R. Sherman. Dated 2/29/2091, encrypted certified. This is a real order.”
“Bobby!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “Get your sorry gluteus in here, pronto, clone boy.”
Bobby was there before I finished my sentence. “Mr. Sherman, the delivery has arrived. Excellent! Now we can truly get started.”
“What the Druid did you do?”
“Why, I ordered a dozen clones, sir.”
“What in blue blazes for, you dolt?”
“To increase efficiency, of course.”
“Have you lost your mind, Bobby?”
“Sir, we have the same mind pattern, so if you have not, then I most certainly haven’t.”
The auburn haired fellow stared at us both pensively, “Can someone sign for these?”
“Yes, of course. “Bobby said, and signed. The auburn haired flipped a switch, and the door to the delivery vehicle opened, and a dozen more carbons walked out in unison and proceeded towards my driveway.
“STOP!” I screamed. “I don’t want these freaks.”
“Sir, you can always request an RGA.”
“A what?”
“A return goods authorization, sir. Provided the products are defective, damaged, or uncooperative.”
“Yes, an RGA, OK, give me one of those.”
“You will need to fill out form 669, in quadruplicate, and send a notarized copy to PCH HQ, BOX 777, DALLAS, TX 75244. The process takes seven business days to review, and then a verdict is reached. You will be responsible for all shipping charges, plus a 25% restock fee, of course.”
“Are you out of you Vougann mind? I will not pay a restock fee.”
“Sir, per the terms of Universal Cloning Act of 2075, all returns are allowed to have a restocking fee, plus other incurred expenses like shipping.”
“This is preposterous! I’m going to call the CCC!”
“That is your prerogative, sir. Good day and good luck.” And with that, the auburn haired fellow sprinted off to his van, and down the road.
Happy Halloween Everyone- See You on Monday!

Excerpt from PCH by Alan Williams. © 2010  used with permission.

The Highland Table Lamp (Product Page: The http://www.affordablelamps.com/quo-mc120t.html) is not in stock right now but come November 17th, this Mica table lamp with a bronze base, embossed pine branches and a lovely Scottish green Mica shade will be ready to ship out in time for the Winter Solstice holidays. Measuring 17″ in diameter by 25″ in height and utilizing two 60 watt bulbs, this Celtic Wonder of table lamps by Quoizel will have you shouting in primal joy. Perfect for any home and coming in at under $300.00, you’ve got to love this rustic, urn shaped, Mica lamp for it’s simplicity of style and its old fashioned flair.

I might even pre-order one.

You get what you pay for.

It is as true today as it was then, back in the old days when we made products in the USA.  Arroyo Craftsman is and has always been made in the USA. Althouh, they certainly cost more and take longer to produce, their lines of outdoor fixtures are perennial best sellers while their table lamp selection is forgotten for being a bit on the pricey side, especially for a table lamp. I mean $700.00? Please! But these little masterpieces are state of the art design quality influenced by designers Frank Lloyd Wright and Gutsav Stickley.

Ten glass options along with ten finish options, 15.875″ wide by 23.125” high, with four 40 watt lamps makes this a formidable fixture, suitable for any old dresser, desk, or mantle (Product Page: http://www.affordablelamps.com/arr-ptl-15.html). Four to six weeks lead time is a bit of a turn off to some, but all things of quality take time. This is not for the skittish consumer; this is for a homeowner who loves great things in his or her home. These take time and cost money - You get what you pay for.

About 18 months ago I wrote a blog called Fascination about a Varaluz fixture. Well, here’s another Varaluz, this time a two light contemporary vanity light (Product Page: http://www.affordablelamps.com/var-193b02.html). I call it Son of Fascination, or the flip side of Fascination (which I believe was called “Passion Planet”). This hammered ore marvel features recycled glass material and looks like someone took a coin set and stirred it up with some bottle caps and old rings; a sort of Home Shopping Network meets Mad Max. In other words, it’s very cool in a post-apocalyptic hipster sort of way (and what other way is there in this crazy mixed up world where witches run for Congress and churches protest veterans?).
This vanity light uses two 50 watt halogen bulbs, and measures 16.825” wide by 8” high and 4.5” in depth. So light up the madness, and keep feeling the Fascination.