You think you got problems returning a lamp? Check out this fellow:
Friday. There was another bump at the door. I opened it to see an auburn haired fellow, with a notepad in hand. “Mr. Sherman?” he asked.
“Yes, it’s still me.” I replied.
“I have to ask, Sir, especially in my line of work, you understand?”
“Get on with it, man.”
“I have a delivery for you, sir. They are in the van.”
“Your clones, sir.”
“What the VOUG are you talking about? I did not order any more clones, you lint licker!”
“Au contraire, mon ami, but this paperwork says differently. Order was notarized in BAYPAL by one R. Sherman. Dated 2/29/2091, encrypted certified. This is a real order.”
“Bobby!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “Get your sorry gluteus in here, pronto, clone boy.”
Bobby was there before I finished my sentence. “Mr. Sherman, the delivery has arrived. Excellent! Now we can truly get started.”
“What the Druid did you do?”
“Why, I ordered a dozen clones, sir.”
“What in blue blazes for, you dolt?”
“To increase efficiency, of course.”
“Have you lost your mind, Bobby?”
“Sir, we have the same mind pattern, so if you have not, then I most certainly haven’t.”
The auburn haired fellow stared at us both pensively, “Can someone sign for these?”
“Yes, of course. “Bobby said, and signed. The auburn haired flipped a switch, and the door to the delivery vehicle opened, and a dozen more carbons walked out in unison and proceeded towards my driveway.
“STOP!” I screamed. “I don’t want these freaks.”
“Sir, you can always request an RGA.”
“A return goods authorization, sir. Provided the products are defective, damaged, or uncooperative.”
“Yes, an RGA, OK, give me one of those.”
“You will need to fill out form 669, in quadruplicate, and send a notarized copy to PCH HQ, BOX 777, DALLAS, TX 75244. The process takes seven business days to review, and then a verdict is reached. You will be responsible for all shipping charges, plus a 25% restock fee, of course.”
“Are you out of you Vougann mind? I will not pay a restock fee.”
“Sir, per the terms of Universal Cloning Act of 2075, all returns are allowed to have a restocking fee, plus other incurred expenses like shipping.”
“This is preposterous! I’m going to call the CCC!”
“That is your prerogative, sir. Good day and good luck.” And with that, the auburn haired fellow sprinted off to his van, and down the road.
Happy Halloween Everyone- See You on Monday!
Excerpt from PCH by Alan Williams. © 2010 used with permission.